Slight breakdown / Revelation.

I should work hard. I could work hard. I should and i could but I don't, not because I can't, because I can. I can do it. I just don't. I don't and I won't. I won't say I would, because I don't think that's true. I should, I could, I would like to say, but can't because I'm fairly certain it's not true, I would, and I don't. I need to work hard. If I don't, I will be a failure. I don't want to be a failure, but I still don't. I have all the reason I need. I love genetics. If I just need to do genetics, I do it, I do it brilliantly. But the stuff I need to do, to do if I want to DO genetics... that I don't do, despite the fact that I know I should and I know that I could and I know I could do fantastically.
It's just not real. Nothing is. Except pain. But even that isn't entirely real. But still, it's real. More real than most other things, anyway. Many normal people might thus self-harm, to feel real. To feel that life is worth living and that it all actually exists. But I don't. I don't, because I'm not normal, I'm not a big fan of pain, I can't cut myself (except when really drunk, which I'm also not a big fan of), and I don't want it to be real. If it's real, then I might be a failure. I might not be good enough, and I can't handle that.
I like to think that I don't have much of an ego, that its what happens to other people, and that instead, I have the Phantom and can ignore him because he is an arsehole. But he does not exist, and I have an ego that cannot accept that I might not do well. I like to think I'm not very competitive, but when I lose, I can accept it because it doesn't feel real, and when it does feel real I am competitive, and then when I lose, it hurts. Not a lot, but as I have already mentioned, I don't like pain, physical or emotional or psychological. I avoided looking at Sophie for a couple of months, when at all possible, to avoid the pain. I still spoke when spoken to, and tried to act otherwise normal, to avoid further pain of possible social torment. It's difficult not to look at someone who you see everyday, who is in your tutor group and your, relatively small, circle of friends. It's difficult not to look at someone like her. I difficult for me not to look at her.
I'm really glad I gave no-one who knows me the address for this site, as that would be very embarrissing. :P damn I need a slightly sad looking emoticon.

*insert phantom's comment on 'sad'*